But If Dying's Asked Of Me
by starsatourfeet
Summary: "And I don't wanna die for you, but if dying's asked of me..." Castle's enlisted himself in the Army. COMPLETELY AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Completely AU story here. Both from the show and in real life. So obviously the timeline is way off, but just go with it. I have no experience with any type of US Military Information, so if there's something that's blatantly incorrect, please feel free to let me know. I googled the things I included, but we all know Google lies. So again, please Review & let me know what you think! This will probably be no more than three chapters but I don't have them all planned out yet.**

He missed them. That much was simple. He missed Kate and her flirty little smiles. He missed his daughter; the daughter who was off to college now, doing amazing things every day. He missed their son who was just a toddler when he left. He must be so big by now. He missed their daughter… and he'd never even gotten the chance to meet her. Never got to see what her eyes looked like in person, never got to hold her in his arms.

He dropped his head to his hands, rubbing them down his face. He wanted to go home, and be able to wrap himself up in his little family. He stood, brushing off the camo pants that had become an extension of him at this point. He never dreamed he'd be a part of the United States Army, but when the twin towers were attacked, he didn't even think about it. He needed to protect them. He needed to know that they could go to sleep safe every night. Even if that meant going across the world to defend his country. He didn't regret his decision to serve; it was the right thing to do. But missing milestones that everyone else in his family experienced definitely hurt.

Two weeks. In two weeks, he could go home. In two weeks, he could see his family. He could wrap his arms around his wife and snuggle his kids in the big bed. He couldn't wait. And he hadn't told Kate. He wanted to surprise her. He just wanted her.

He turned at the sound of the sergeant's voice, preparing himself for their next mission. He started pulling on his boots, tucking the small, crumpled picture of Kate, Alexis, Brayden, and Sophia deep into his left shoe. They were his guardians; the whole reason he was still alive. He sighed, thinking of them yet again. He grabbed at his jacket, tucking his wedding ring and dog tag into his shirt with a soft press of his lips against it. He would make it through this. The thought ran through his head just as an echoing explosion sounded behind him.

(…)

Kate was in the kitchen cooking dinner for the kids. Mac N' Cheese, of course. Brayden was going through a phase where that is all he'd eat. She'd tried to talk him into eating something else, but he was just as stubborn as her. So she just went with it. Castle's being gone was starting to take a toll on her. She'd lost her fight. "Bray, come eat!" she called, hearing the pattering of little footsteps getting louder and louder. As she set the bowl down, a flash of something on the TV caught her attention. An explosion. A bomb. On an US Army Camp. In Iraq. Where Castle was stationed. She froze, unable to move at all until a small hand tugged on her pants.

"I can't get up," he frowned. On auto-pilot, Kate lifted her son up into the chair, pushing him in enough so he could reach. She walked into the living room, turning the volume up. Her hand raised to cover her mouth as the news reporter confirmed her worst fears. Castle's station had been attacked. And there was nothing she could do about it. Not a single thing. She couldn't even find out if he was okay.

A tear slipped down her cheek, landing on the floor. God, she hated this. A soft cry sounded from upstairs. She wiped her tears away with her fingertips, taking a deep, steadying breath. "Bray, I'm getting your sister. Be careful."

A mumble came from the kitchen as she hurried up the stairs. She pushed the door open with her shoulder, moving into the darkened room. Sophia was standing with her little hands clasped around the bars of her crib, gasping for air.

"Hey, bug. What's the matter?" she murmured, her hands grasping her underarms. She cuddled her close to her chest, whispering soft words of comfort against her head. She peppered kisses across her daughter's forehead until her little eyes opened with clear focus. His eyes. Crap. Their daughter had his eyes, a perfect match, and that brought on more tears of her own.

After changing her diaper, Kate walked Sophia downstairs to keep an eye on her brother.

"Momma, I finished," Brayden told her from the table.

She nodded. "Okay. What do you say to a movie night cuddled up in the big bed tonight?"

"Yeah!" he cheered, scrambling down from his seat to rush into the living room. "Can we watch Toy Story? Phia likes that movie!"

"Sounds good, little man. Can you go find it for me?"

She put Sophia on the floor while she went to clean up the kitchen. She needed to keep her mind busy. Or else she'd break down, thinking of Castle and all the possibilities. And she couldn't do that. She needed to be positive, to stay strong so the kids wouldn't worry. She wasn't going to make it through this.

"Phia, come on," she heard Brayden say. She looked over to see Brayden on his hands and knees crawling alongside his sister as they made their way into her bedroom. She smiled. He was a good brother. Kate hurried to place the dishes in the dish washer, just planning on running it later on. She walked into her bedroom to find Brayden trying to pick Sophia up to get her on the bed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Little Man. Let me get her. You don't want to drop her, do you?" Kate asked, grabbing the baby from her son's tiny arms only to plop her down in the middle of the bed. Sophia burst into a fit of giggles at that, her tiny body shaking with her laughter.

"Sorry, Momma," Bray said dejectedly, his eyes focused on the floor.

Kate ran a hand through his hair. "It's okay, babe. Once you're a little bigger you can do that all the time. Just make sure I'm around, okay?"

He nodded, fisting two sections of the comforter in his hands as he hauled himself up and onto the bed. He crawled towards Sophia, leaning down to place a sloppy kiss on her forehead. Kate watched them with a small smile before turning to put the DVD in. As she skipped through the previews, she heard Sophia babbling at Brayden, no words making sense yet. But to Brayden's credit, he responded like he knew exactly what she was saying. And maybe he did. Maybe her kids had some sort of strange communication that she or Castle would never understand.

She settled onto the bed behind them after she had thrown a pair of leggings and one of Castle's t-shirts on. Within a few minutes, both kids had climbed up to lie against her. Sophia was spread across her chest, while Brayden laid his head against her thigh.

"Momma?" she heard Brayden ask.

"Hmm?"

"When's Daddy coming home?"

Kate fought back tears at his innocent question. "I don't know, baby. Hopefully soon."

"I miss him."

She swallowed. "I do, too. But I bet he misses us just as much."

He sighed. But didn't add anything further. Kate squeezed her eyes shut. She wanted him home. She wanted him cuddled up behind her with his wandering hands that she'd pretend to be mad at him for but really love every second of it. She wanted him to be able to hold their daughter for the first time. To see the joy that would spread over his face as she would wrap him around her little finger. She wanted to see him wrestle with their son, to let Brayden win just to make him smile. She just wanted him here.

And right now, she wasn't even sure that was a possibility. She wanted to be positive, to think he was alive and coming home to them any day now. But she wouldn't be able to get over herself if she believed that, and turned out to be wrong.

Her mind wandered for hours, long after the movie had finished and the kids had fallen asleep. She couldn't get him out of her mind. Not that she really wanted to, but she'd do anything to get to see him alive and well.

She curled herself around the kids a little tighter, eventually drifting off to a few winks of sleep.

(…)

Days passed without any word. Normally, they would've Skyped at least once within the past week or so, but she had heard nothing from him. No letters either. And those came pretty frequently. And that worried her to no end. It wasn't like Castle to make no contact for such a long period of time.

Lanie had heard about the attack through Esposito. So they both tried offering her comfort while she waited for what seemed like an eternity. The only bright side she could come up with was that she hadn't been informed of his death. She thought that a notice like that would've come pretty quick. So she clung to that shred of hope for a few weeks.

Kate had just tucked the kids into bed one night about two weeks after the accident. She settled herself onto the couch with a glass of wine and one of his books. It was as close as she could come to being with him. She had gotten through two chapters when a knock sounded at the door.

She was confused. Lanie, Espo, and Ryan always let her know if they'd be over and her dad was out at the cabin for the weekend.

Then her heart started hammering. _No, _she thought. _Please don't let it be…_

She opened the door hesitantly, immediately freezing when the person standing there registered. Her hand moved to her mouth, shakily as tears started rolling down her cheeks uncontrollably.

**A/N 2: Thoughts?**


	2. Chapter 2

"Rick," she whispered, her voice breaking as she stood there motionless. She just stared at him, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breathe. The corner of his mouth lifted a fraction, springing her into action. She threw herself at him, her arms wrapped around his next as she pressed her body to his. "Castle," she breathed again, her mouth at his neck.

His bags hit the floor as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her even closer. He buried his face in her hair, breathing her in. "I missed you," he mumbled against her hair.

"I missed you, too. You have no idea." She felt a tear slip out of the corner of her eye. "You had me so worried."

"I know," he commented. "I wanted to talk to you after the attack, but there just was no time."

"But you're okay, right?" she asked, pulling away to check. She did a quick once over of his body, her hands patting his chest and shoulders lightly.

"Yeah, I'm good," he answered, grabbing her hands. He squeezed gently, telling her everything was fine.

"God, Castle. I missed you," she spoke through a tight throat. She swallowed, leaning in to press her lips against his. The kiss started out slow; just a gentle slide of their lips over each other. But it soon grew hungry, complete with wandering hands and nipping teeth. He pulled away slightly, dropping a soft barely there kiss to her cheek.

"Are the kids awake?" he asked, his voice gruff.

She shook her head. "No, but we can go wake them up."

"No, I don't want to disrupt their sleep. I'll just go in so I can see them," he argued.

"Trust me, Babe. Brayden's been asking about you for weeks. He won't be upset with it."

"What about Sophia?" His heart immediately dropped. His youngest had never seen him before. He had left for duty before she was born, and he'd been gone for nearly 10 months. "Will she know who I am?"

Kate's eyes softened. She tugged on his hand, pulling him into the loft. He grabbed his bags with his free hand, following her willingly. "She'll love her Daddy," she said quietly, avoiding his eyes. "After all, she is part-Beckett. And I'm pretty fond of you, you know…"

A sad smile crossed his face, but disappeared almost instantly. "I love you," he said seriously. It might've been the most serious he had ever been about anything.

She smiled. "I love you, too… Now, let's go see our kids."

She tugged on his hand again, leading him up the stairs to their son's bedroom. Entering the room, she dropped his hand, moving to crouch down by Brayden's head. "Bray, wake up buddy," she whispered, running her fingertips over his forehead. "Daddy's here."

Brayden's eyes peeked open. "Daddy?" he said, his face mashed into the pillow, making his words come out unintelligible.

Castle moved to stand behind Kate, his hand resting on his son's tiny shoulder. "Hey, Buddy. I missed you," he murmured, choking back the tears he felt building up. His son was so_ big_. He'd grown up way too much since the last time he saw him.

"Daddy," Brayden sighed. Disentangling himself from the covers to jump into Castle's chest. Castle caught him as he made contact, huddling him close to his body.

"You've gotten so big, Buddy."

"I miss you," Brayden commented against his chest.

"I missed you too. But I'm home for good now. I'll always be here for you. Got it?" Kate shot him a questioning look at that, but he just shook his head, telling her he'd explain later.

Castle brushed a kiss against the side of Brayden's head. "How about you go back to bed and we'll do something together in the morning? Does that sound good?"

Brayden nodded. "Love you, Daddy," he mumbled nearly incoherently as Castle gently lowered him back onto the bed.

"Love you too, my man. Come get me if you need anything, alright?"

Brayden nodded, already falling back asleep. Kate stood with a hand against his chest, pushing him backwards into the hallway. "You good?" she asked him. He nodded, leaning down to brush a kiss against her mouth.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"What you said in there…" she started after a brief moment of silence. "About you not going back… Did you mean that?" she asked hesitantly, her fingers dancing over his chest.

"Yeah… I did. But uhm… Could we talk about it later?"

She caught his gaze, trying to figure him out, but nodded anyway. "Just promise me it's the truth."

"It is, don't worry."

"You ready to meet your daughter?"

He looked sick, visibly nauseated. But he nodded, following her willingly into the nursery. He glanced around taking in the newly added decorations before his eyes settled on the crib off to the left of the door. The little body with dark hair squirmed in the crib, shaking her little fists before settling back into a comfortable slumber.

"God, Kate. She's even more beautiful in person." Kate rubbed at his back.

"I know. We make gorgeous babies don't we?"

"Not hard when you're their mother… Of course, Alexis is beautiful too so maybe it's me."

She scoffed, swatting at his chest, but smiling nonetheless. At least he hadn't changed all too much.

He stared at the baby nestled in the crib, longing to cradle her in his arms. "Can I… Is it okay to pick her up?"

"Castle… She's your daughter, too. You're not going to fail her."

"It's just… I haven't been here for the first ten months of her life, Kate. She has no idea who I am."

"Rick. Give yourself more credit. You're a great father. Even if she doesn't know you now, she'll get to know you and you'll be her hero. Just like you are with Alexis, with Brayden." She studied his profile, searching for a glimmer of his usual arrogance. "Besides, she's been there when we Skyped. She recognizes your voice."

He ran a hand through his hair, taking a step towards his sleeping daughter. He paused before leaning down and lifting her from the crib. She immediately cuddled into his chest, readjusting herself before returning to her slumber. He let out a deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding and smiled at Kate. She moved closer to them, settling one hand low on his back, the other cupping Sophia's head. "Say hi to Daddy, Phia. He's so happy to meet you."

The baby yawned in his arms, her mouth forming a perfect 'o' before closing again. "She has your nose," he commented.

"You've told me that before," she responded.

He shrugged, "I know, but now that I've really seen her, it's even more obvious. It's cute."

"Well she has your eyes. Something I was eternally grateful for while you were gone."

He hummed, leaning down to press a kiss against the back of Sophia's head. "It feels so surreal. That I'm finally holding her in my arms."

Kate leaned against him. "I'm really glad you're home, Rick."

"Me too."

They stood like that for a few minutes, relishing in the comfort of their family. It was only when Kate yawned that Castle realized how late it really was.

"We should get to bed," he stated, pulling away to lay Sophia back in the crib. He ran a hand across her stomach, settling her for a moment before turning back to Kate. He grabbed one of her hands, leading her into the hallway and down the stairs. When they walked into their bedroom, Castle turned her around, backing her to the edge of the bed before she spoke up.

"Castle, are you okay? Mentally, I mean. I know you're physically fine, but I know what war can do to someone, and I want to help if you need it."

He paused, not entirely sure what he wanted to tell her. "I'm fine. There will be issues, I know that. But I promise, you'll be the first to know every time."

"Promise?" she questioned.

"Always," he said with a smirk, leaning in to capture her lips in a searing kiss.

**A/N: Okay, so I got a couple reviews commenting on the timeline… And I know I said it in the Author's Note of last chapter but apparently not everyone reads those. The timeline here follows nothing—it doesn't follow the show, it doesn't follow real life. I realize that Castle's age probably wouldn't have been ideal for enlisting, but for the purposes of the story, we're pretending he's much younger & that he and Kate met at a younger age. Okay? Now that we have that all cleared up, please leave a review and tell me what you think! xx**


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